Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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