I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
