The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my shit smells like andre
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
