you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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