Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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