saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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