I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
