My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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