I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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