You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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