matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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