Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
