im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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