Your face is a jimmy john
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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