he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
