Betty ford says i'm here all night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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