they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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