Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
