saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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