i think my mom watched the whole time
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
