Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dignity is for republicans.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
