dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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