Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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