apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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