I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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