Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I lost the right to judge tonight
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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