I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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