Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't turn off my feet"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
