I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can you bring me the toilet please
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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