does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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