I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
