She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
