I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
