ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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