he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
