i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
