My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
