the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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