Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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