the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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