I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
