whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
