Sacagawea was the original milf.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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