im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
tell me about the eggs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
