so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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