Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
