i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
