I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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