i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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