So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
